MELROSE MADNESS

If Dynasty was a TV show that defined the 80s, Aaron Spelling made sure that Melrose Place defined the 90s!!

Like Dynasty, the show was languishing near the bottom of the ratings and was almost cancelled nearing the end of it's premier season. Aaron persuaded old Dynasty actress Miss Heather Locklear to join for a few episodes to gain more interest in the show. Like Joan Collins before her, she stuck around on the show and was the major factor in making it a huge success. Her boardroom antics caused mayhem with the residents and the bedroom antics were far worse with the term Rebound Roulette given a new meaning. Characters changed personality almost overnight like dull Jane. She was a dainty hard done by seamstress who within 2 episodes took over a business, manipulated her lover and buried her lovers ex wife with only him there to mourn her! She then set fire to the flat where Alison moved in to when she found out Alison was sleeping with Jake her ex. Or when Michael tried to have sex with her whilst she was paralyzed from taking a stroke. Or when Sydney was a stripper and known as Jungle Jane. Or when Richard came back from the grave and stalked the Mancini sisters. Or when Amanda's boss killed himself and Amanda had a Xmas Carol type nightmare. Ships and apartments were blown up, characters killed off and returned from the grave, psycho nannies, rapist gardeners called Henry and more bitch slaps than any show other than Dynasty! The characters chewed the scenery and many ended up in the pool for their troubles, all of the male characters were dropped in there at one point and who can forget Jane and Sydney fighting in the pool with Sydney wearing Jane's wedding dress? Jane and Sydney were sisters by the way. Then there was Dr Kimberly Shaw played by Bree Van De Kamp herself Marcia Cross. She was presumed dead, came back to life, had a massive scar, went bonkers, blew up the apartment building, tried to throw herself off a roof, then became a radio talk show host, was kidnapped, tried to give Peter a lobotomy, took over an asylum and called herself Betsy!! It was that mad!

Then there was drunk Alison, bitchy Brooke (played by Sex and the City star Kristin Davis), nice but dim Jake, nice but also dim Billy, gay Matt. Big trout pout Taylor, moody Kyle, kooky Sydney, nice Megan, nasty Michael, the list goes on.....

Queen of the Place was Heather Locklear who was vicious but beautiful Amanda Woodward. She had the campiest dialogue, the best hair and the shortest skirts and always came out on top. She slept with all bar the gay character in Melrose Place and was head of D & D advertising and later Amanda Woodward Advertising aswell as owning the apartment building itself. She was thrice married and was involved in the death of one of them. She finally faked her own death (again) and bought an island - as you do!!!

My favourite 20 Melrose Quotes for you which you have to implement into every conversation are as follows and in no particular order : -

1. Amanda to Matt (upon returning to the complex after he's charged with murder): I want you to know that while some people may not feel comfortable with your presence here, you have my full support. I mean, the way I see it, even if you did murder that woman, it was clearly a crime of passion. I mean, it's not as though you're a serial killer. Anyway, I'm off.

2. Brooke to Alison (after finding her and Billy in a Palm Springs hotel): First you seduce my father and then kill him and then two weeks later you're with my husband!
Alison: Too bad you don't have a brother.

3. Kimberly to Sydney : Listen you opportunistic little bitch, if you think that shotgun marriage you arranged with Michael is going to protect you, then you're dumber than you look. Now stay out of our lives and you won't get hurt, okay?
Sydney : What, am I supposed to be afraid of you?
Kimberly : My professional opinion - you bet your ass.

4. Amanda to Kyle : Go to Hell - and give my regards to your wife when you get there!

5. Amanda : My first instinct was to fire you as well. But on reflection, I realized that was way too easy. No, Alison, I'm going to do to you the way you did me. And when I'm done, all that you'll be left with is that proverbial wish... that you'd never been born.

6. Brooke to Amanda : You know I've always wanted to say this to you, Amanda.
Alison : Don't say anything that you will regret.
Brooke : Kiss my ass.
Amanda: You're fired.

7. Amanda : What can I say, when God was passing out business sense, Jane was in the back of the line getting her nails done.

8. Sydney : By the way, Kimberly, how is electroshock going? Certainly has put an attractive curl in your hair.

9. Taylor : Feel the baby, he's kicking!!
Michael : Of course he is - you're his mother. I'm surprised he's not screaming bloody murder or holding up a liqour store

10. Amanda : I just hope my insurance covers mad bombers!

11. Peter : Talk is cheap Amanda. Then again, so are you

12. Taylor : Michael, listen..... I don't want a relationship, I don't want a commitment.... I need your sperm.

13. Sydney to Peter : Kimberly is a vicious monster with so many screws lose she could start a hardware store.

14. Brooke to Alison : Maybe it's time for us to bury the hatchet.
Alison : Gee, you'd have to pull it out of my back first.

15. Brooke to Alison (in the lawyer's office after Hayley's will was read): Since you're not married anymore, I'll take your wedding ring. It's mine now!

16. Kimberly to Sydney: I sense something is bothering you.
Sydney: Wow! Insane AND a rocket scientist - 10 points!

17. Amanda : What is she? Some kind of demon seed?
Chelsea : What are you? Some kind of bitch?!

18. Taylor : Good morning Amanda
Amanda : Goodbye Taylor

19. Amanda finds out Jo's in Bosnia : Well she could be on the moon for all I care, she's not getting her deposit back.

20. Amanda : Alison, don't I recall something about you being on a honeymoon? Oh that's right, you have to be married to have a honeymoon. So, have your feet warmed up yet, or are they still cold? You certainly do lead an exciting life. I do; I don't; I do again!

and as a bonus

Amanda : I was stabbed with a hypodermic, almost cut open, badly treated for my cancer, and sexually harrassed. As far as I'm concerned, all the doctors who treated me should have their licenses taken away. And if you don't revoke Dr Burns's license, I will not only sue Wilshire Memorial, but I'll sue each and every board member in this room for reckless endangerment. Now if that's all, I have a wedding to attend.