ETIQUETTE

I've been planning this for a while but thought I'd hold off. I like to think of myself as a worldly kinda girl but there are some things that are just beyond wrong. The subject is sauna etiquette. I visited my local yesterday and was perplexed to see rather un-saunaish behaviour. You also have to bear in mind that a trip to the gay sauna in Glasgow isn't like going to the sauna where the men are buff, fit and the kind of man you'd like to get wet with. Glasgow sauna's tend to be slightly rough with the mean age being possibly in the 40 - 50 year old bracket. Now that isn't to say that there aren't desirable hotties venturing in for some steamy action, there are plenty which makes up for the more mature, heavier men that don't do much for me.

Sauna going in Scotland in general is also seen as being on the seedier side of the street. Maybe it is, but that's part of the thrill of going whereas down South I get the impression that it's as normal as going clubbing or trawling gaydar for some anonymous cock. Anyway, I digress - the sauna is always good if I've not been laid for a while and I get a fix - and to top it off, I read that 60% of all men that go to saunas are straight, now 'Straight' is a loose term to use but I think they're made up of the married men, the bisexual and the undecided and therefore fun fun fun for me.

Now there's a few rules I thought would apply to sauna behaviour and ambience that aren't really being adhered to and thought I'd share them.....

- Music in a sauna is good to set the mood.
- High energy music ala Stock Aitken and Waterman or Dusty Springfield's Greatest Hits isn't suitable.
- Group sessions are always fun.
- Old men's pasty asses in your face aren't fun.
- Long towels drag and get wet
- Poppers should be sniffed not spilled
- Talking is good ie - Wanna fuck? or Bang me beautiful or Fuck me til I fart
- Idle chat is bad ie - Did you see what my fag hag was wearing or Peggy Mitchell from Eastenders has a bad wig
- No means no, I mean yes, I mean no.
- Doors are shut for a reason.
- If a man slaps his dick against his leg in the steam room, you may not be able to see him but he wants it
- Don't spit on the hot grate in the sauna unless you want it to turn into a steam room
- If you're going to sit in the jacuzzi, pray it's self cleaning
- No means yes, I mean no, I mean yes
- Darkrooms in saunas are dark and normally the dregs go there so you can't see them
- Darkrooms in Gran Canaria/Sitges/Ibiza are dark so when you're drunk you have no recollection of what you've done and also so pickpockets can clean you out
- Rimming isn't recommended unless you've inspected first
- Condoms and come should be cleaned up after exercise for the next users

So there you have it, if all this etiquette is adhered, you can almost guarantee a real safe fucking time! I think!