4 SONGS TO FUCK TO

I was watching Miss Minogue doing her own version of Olivia Neutron Bomb's classic track "Physical" that she turned into an excuse for a multiple orgasm so it got me thinking to great songs to bang to - moodsetters shall we say. Here's a few choices for all sorts of intimate occasions.

MADONNA - The Power Of Goodbye - I can heartily recommend this little number. Picture it, a golf course, freezing winter, dead of night, Madonna sings about hearts not being open when my ass was open and on the bonnet of a car just beside the 10th green. If any song was going to get me on the bonnet of the car it was that one. Ably assisted by some guy's big dick to get me going!! I felt so glam and you will to if you don't mind the frostbite and cold for a week afterwards although if you do it in July rather than December you may only receive insect bites rather than chill blains.

GEORGE MICHAEL - Older - Well just play the album and get stuck into a hearty night of sex with food and love making. This album can cover you through those rampant hours or minutes depending on your stamina when you want to get tender with your lover. But a bit of Fastlove coming on means you also have the opportunity to be that little bit more adventurous and possibly slap your partner in the face for some sub/dom roleplay or as Spinning the Wheel plays, you may want to piss on their chest. Whatever floats your boat. It's an album for the kinky bitches and the couple who want to get emotionally connected whilst being really dirty aswell.

KYLIE MINOGUE - Breathe - Kylie claims that we should all Breathe because it won't be long now. This song can make even the most impotent of men go that extra mile. If you play the mix of it with Je T'aime then just watch your partner for the night lunge at you as though he was a sailor on shore leave with balls like dinosaur eggs. That is orgasmic as Kylie teases the listener into a frenzy. Watching the performance of Kylie going all Brigitte Bardot can light most people's fires.

ANY CURRENT DANCE MIX - For those dirty stopouts who've pulled at a club and intend to fuck a stranger's brains out for a few hours then kick them out without their knickers or their amateur standing intact then don't go mushy at all. A mix on your iTunes should consist of some chilled beach disco music to get the groove on whilst having that one drink after arriving home to "continue the party". Two songs later, get a track on that has some dirty bassline, maybe some Goldfrapp and then who cares what is on so long as it's fast and blends into the next. A good old mixtape, this is not. It must last a few hours with high quality music that doesn't let up or the other person will pass out drunk and that's almost necrophilia. After an hour or so of very recent or unreleased tracks, you can afford to slip in a golden oldie from the mid 90s as it gives you something to talk about as you take the hairs out of your mouth and reach for the glass if you're a spitter!


BIG NO NOS

Some songs should NEVER be used when being intimate with a fellow tramp. They not only lower the mood but will instantly kill it - unless you have a balloon fetish, then the macarena might seem like a bit of kink......

STEPS - Great for a choreographed dance routine at the pub or to think back to 2000 when you had that same cowboy hat or combat trousers but not when you're in a 69.

SHOWTUNES - Only 1 showtune in existence is acceptable for a night of hot loving and that is a song from the musical Anything Goes. The song is Blow Gabriel Blow and I would recommend the Elaine Paige version.

MARIAH CAREY - Seems like a good idea but her Charmbracelet album will make you go to sleep by track 3 rather than opening up the cupboard with the harness in it.

ROCK MUSIC - Again a good idea to keep you awake but you want a nose bleed from getting a hard dick whacked on your beak rather than your ears bleed to really rough monotonous angst music.

If you follow even one or two of these simple rules, you can have a fabulous night/morning/afternoon of high passion. You can also do that with no music but if you've got thin walls the last thing you'd want to hear as a neighbour would be a fanny fart or worse, the condom farting out the asshole or even worse, your neighbours being louder than you!