A SERIES OF WHOREANUS LOOKS

There's nothing worse than looking like a burst couch at the best of times or those times when you see a hot guy and try to look and act all sophisticated and end up tripping up or wearing the daggiest clothes or even worse, both.

Tonight that happened to me. I had a bitch of a day at work so decided that the best thing to do was go to the gym for Step Class and knock my pan in. So for the past few weeks, When I've been going out clubbing this dwarfish guy has been there and there's something rather sexual about him. I placed him for late twenties, early thirties and a total flirt. He looks like the kind of guy who although small in stature must be well hung as he's just so cocky. Anyway, he's a bit of a dish and not entirely small - not quite a dwarf but not exactly shopping at High and Mighty either. And after some Bebo stalking, I discovered he was only 25 and all I can say is - tough paper round.

Now he told me a few weeks ago that he had heard of me through mutual friends who also go to the same gym and now he always says hello when I'm out. Cut to tonight when I hit class looking rather windblown as I was in a rush and......... well he wasn't there but his silent friend was.

His silent friend is this guy who I clocked at Step Class before I met High & Mighty (I'll call him that and be ironic from now on unless we get married and adopt Vietnamese orphans and have their names tattooed down our backs after having opened up a hairdressing salon) If that happens, he'll be known as "God!" So the silent friend was at class and was chatty to the old birds in class. I keep myself to myself in class cos like Dolly Parton says "I'm funny about who I sweat with" So when a few weeks ago I met High and Mighty, his silent friend was there whom I clocked from being very chatty in class which I thought was odd but each to their own - especially considering I don't really chat much in class except the occasional "Whoop Whoop" when the cardio is fucking killing my legs. But he never really says much at all if I see him clubbing with High and Mighty. He just follows H&M about most of the night but you can tell he's got a good bod.

Now we get to the good part. I've never been introduced to silent friend and I don't know his name but he does have holes in his face like Po Face Officer Powell from Prisoner Cell Block H but is actually quite attractive. He's also been working out as he's fitter than me and doesn't sweat as much. I however have been blessed with superb rhythm and can pick all the steps up pretty easily so can add my jazz hands and hip bumps when it's needed. Now tonight's class was fabulous. I was busting moves and getting into it and naturally, my face resembled a big red balloon by the end. Not a good luck. Then - after class, I headed down to the changing room and whipped off my clothes, he followed (this isn't going where you think it is - perverts!) and totally gave me the once over as I minced to the showers. Then when I got out and was 'drying off' or swatching at cock, it turns out he was in the locker next to mine. The bitch kept on staring at my cock which I'm all for under normal circumstances but he wasn't playing ball - at least not with his. He got changed behind me on one of the seats and a quicker change I've never seen except at a Diana Ross concert. I was still like a big red tomato face and had nothing to hide when getting changed but my god, I looked horrendous. The hair was all over the shop and I had come to the gym in my joggies and a really daggy t-shirt. Needless to say, Silent Friend looked like and Abercrombie model with some nice tight trousers showing his pert bum (I managed a swatch at the ass if not the cock) and a lovely shirt - the bitch. I hate when that happens. Why couldn't I have come out of the shower with a six pack and a dazzling smile instead of my average body and a face that looked ready to explode and my hair all over the shop. There was nothing left to do but hotfoot it out and think how crazy I'd been. Damn Silent Friend and his good looks and bum and non sweating and everything in between!! Well at least if anything, I was myself - daft as a brush, a bit messy but still hunting for the cheeky flashes of cock!

Now I'm listening to my favourite Broadway diva - Bernadette Peters. She is fiercer than fierce and seeing her swing her curly locks singing Unexpected Song gives me an idea of looking fabulous when I see Silent Friend in the changing rooms next time, I can toss my hair like Bernadette and whip on a fabulous frock!!!