TOP 25 CAMP FILMS OF ALL TIME - 4

MOMMIE DEAREST

For some, this is the ULTIMATE guilty pleasure, for others, it's a portrait of child abuse, for others it's the greatest film ever made and then for some more it's the worst film ever made. For me and hopefully for you, dear 1 blog reader, it's just Heaven!!

Mommie Dearest as any self respecting camp afficianado will know, is the movie based on the book based on the early life of Christina Crawford, the adopted daughter of movie legend and all round diva, Joan Crawford. The book sold shitloads shortly after Joan's death when her daughter was incensed at being cut out from Joan's will so decided to return the favour and immortalise wire coat hangers and destroy Faye Dunaway's movie career in one fell swoop. Well that last part was really Faye's fault.

Faye Dunaway was cast as Joan in the movie that is far better viewed in short doses or scenes, you should then switch off or pause the dvd, lap up what you just saw, savour it with a cocktail and then flick to another random scene where Faye chews up the scenery. If you played a drinking game at how many times Faye overacts, you'd be dead drunk within the first ten minutes.

There are so many craaaaazzzzyyyyyy scenes that I would be here all week typing them up but needless to say the wire coathanger scene itself deserves an Oscar for Best Accessory. Faye as Joan is fixing Christina's wardrobe at night whilst Christina and her son Christopher are strapped up in bed sleeping. Faye has gone all Kabuki war style with her face completely covered in cold cream and a rather fetching blue dressing gown and alice band to stretch her face out. Joan aka Faye finds a wire coathanger and proceeds to rip the clothes out and takes the offending coathanger and belt Christina repeatedly, then in a fit she gets some Sodium Chloride or some cleaning chemical and her and Christina scrub the tits out of that floor whilst both are going a little bit apeshit. I laughed when seeing this scene but when viewing it with some friends who didn't get the campness of it all, found it rather disturbing. It is to be honest, however, when you realise what a little bitch Christina is, you're cheering Faye aka Joan on to make sure she gets some welts on her back. The thing with Mommie Dearest is that you are supposed to be rooting for Christina and her bad acting and temper tantrums but she's so whiny that when Joan chips her into a hut for the afternoon, again you are quite delighted at another method of child rearing.

Now I know all you faithful followers of camp will be licking their lips at another scene which is when Joan is fired from MGM. Her days were numbered as Greer Garson started to outplay Joan so she goes to visit LB Mayer and her contract is terminated. Joan is devastated so when she gets home she starts taking the shears to the rose garden and screams that infamous line "TINA!!!!! BRING ME THE AXE!!!!" and she then proceeds to chop that mother fucking tree down with all her might. Decked out in a fabulous evening gown no less.

Almost as comedic is when poor Christina falls ill - she's now played by an adult. Diana Scarwid but she's just as annoying. Joan has turfed Tina out to make her own way - which she does and lands a job in a soap. Sadly for Tina, Joan can't resist helping out as Tina is in hospital so she goes into the soap, half in the bag and plays the same part her daughter played. Watching adult Tina see this unfold before her eyes on national TV is just fabulous.

I could go on and on and on with lots of different scenes but to get the full effect, watch the dvd. Then watch the extras, including the hilarious commentary by John Waters. He laps the movie up with both hands and his moustache. Faye Dunaway has dismissed the film and refuses to talk about it in interviews as it really did spell the end of her top player career in Hollywood. Ironically, when Joan herself was asked whom she'd like to portray her in a bio, Joan stated - Faye Dunaway. The film was released and was savaged by the critics, financially it was a success and has since become a Hollywood Camp Outrage. Faye Dunaway really IS Joan Crawford, Joan's spirit is in her performance from the scarily accurate makeup and face to the intense portrayal of Joan. I doubt Joan would be thrilled at being trashes by her own daughter but Dunaway inhabits the role perfectly and plays it into a real frenzy.

QUOTABLE QUOTES

JOAN - Don't fuck with me fella - this ain't my first time at the rodeo. (sidebar - try and bring that line into ANY conversation and you deserve an award!)

JOAN - Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall and put a window where it OUGHT to be!

JOAN - NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHRISTINA - There's a liquor store to the right
JOAN - I should've know you'd know where to find the boys and the booze

JOAN - You expect me to ignore my fans, they're life and death to me baby! They're the ones who really MADE ME!

JOAN - Helga, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.

Again it's too juicy to quote everything - so lap it up baby, but make sure your house is clean first!!!!