AND THAT MY DARLING'S IS HOW IT SHOULD BE DONE

Stewart ballsed up last week at Halloween. He told my old neighbour Steven that we all thought he nicked £20 out of David's old flat in Partick about 2 years ago when he came back with Stewart for a snog. £20 had gone amiss and Shawn and Debs noticed it and since then had assumed it was Steven when in reality it was probably Shawn having spent it on Caramacs and fag papers. It was all blown out of proportion and Stewart told Steven drunkenly on Sunday night that David, Jon and I accused him of stealing. Fast forward to last night with a rather unhappy Steven who had concocted a plan to wind me up (I still suspect there was some truth to his anger of which I don't blame him) I walked into Moda and got a mouthful of abuse from him and his big cocked pal Rob. I felt rather bad but as it turns out Stewart had made himself look like a saint and that we were the bad guys. I straightened things out with Steven who was kinda joking about it all, and grabbed Rob's cock a bit more which ps - was fabulous. Stewart's in the dog house and with good reason - loyalty is something that twit has to work on. He hates Jon's new beau, Euan - because on Wednesday night (no I'm not a scene queen!!) at the Tunnel Euan didn't buy Stewart a shot. On Thursday going to work I got a Vicky Pollard style rant about how Euan was such a dick blah blah blah. Meanwhile as I was going to work on Thursday listening to Stewart's monologue, David and Cam were in Euan's - David drank a yard of vodka and Cam was guzzling so much out of a bottle of Southern Comfort he would apparently have made Sue Ellen Ewing proud. He found one of those long furry snake door stops that I used to and still do find beyond tacky and proceeded to do his best Britney Spears ala Slave 4 U impression, tossing this toy viper round his neck - the fucking lush.

Penfold was doing my tits in last night and I'm sure I mentioned his twitch to him in public and insulted his horrid pal Queenie in the chip shop. Penfold kept on calling me Alexis which for some reason was pissing me off - then I realised why - I'm fucking Caress Morell - Alexis' glamorous novelist sister!

Work has been an absolute headache as I've been doing 6 days for the past few weeks. One thing I've noticed in work that there's a lot of those "rough diamond" women. You know the type that are maybe about 40+ and feel they know a lot about life. There's a few in the branch and a common thread where if they're having a bad day and someone says "Oh were you getting angry/annoyed/pissed off there?" and the standard reply from all of them is "If I was getting angry you'd know all about it" or "You haven't seen me in action yet, let me tell you". This is just soooo passe.
I did have a bit of a laugh when at our party after work last week, Donna and I were having a Sex and the City chat and poor Jillian Lawson piped up asking what we were talking about, Donna said sex and so she moved her chair closer and excitedly asked what about sex so she loved those chats. I rather calmly turned to her and said "I was telling Donna about the time when I went to the gay sauna and a guy came in a room with me and made me lie on the floor and wanked all over me - then without warning he shot his load all over my face and neck. I tried to be all pornstar style when in reality I had jizz up my nostrils, in my eyes and ears and through my hair" Jillian gasped and was totally dumbfounded, Donna cackled cos she is a bit of a goer and I then smiled sweetly and said "Anyway got to get home and have my disco nap before I head out!" and departed regally. Monday morning came round and Jillian came over to my desk to inform me that she went home that night and shagged the arse off her boyfriend cos I had gotten her a bit hot under the collar! As Alexis would say - "And that my darling, is how it should be done!"