CLAP CLINIC CALAMITY

Wasn't even that drunk last night and still managed to be sick as a dog for most of the afternoon. In my merry state I said to Cam and Stewart about nipping to Pizza Hut for a cheeky wee lunch and needless to say I looked like I'd been gang fucked when we got there. So much so that I had to jump out the car and walk the last 5 minutes. Cam took it upon himself to shout obscenities like "Give me a blow job for a tenner - and I want change!" I couldn't even insert a witty reply I was so snookered!

In Pizza Hut they've taken to warding off the junkies by having a blue light in the toilet. It now looks extremely seedy, even gay saunas look helathier than this. It's so the junkies can't see their veins when shooting up - ingenious! However it did resemble a crack den anyway even without the addicts!

Yesterday I stumbled upon a fabulous blog that i'm going to link up to soon. The guy was hilarious and interesting and heart wrenching in all of his posts. I'm envious at how well written it is. He makes me look like a high school essay whilst he's a Finals dissertation! He's got this friend he writes about who is generally just fabulous and camp and excessive, all good qualities. And he mentioned girl talk. When gay guys talk about their male friends in the female state. Like 'she' or 'her' or in Glasgow 'hen'. I laughed because we're all guilty of it and I feel no shame in calling my best friends my 'sistas' To add to this girl talk, all of us have camp names - normally a female version slightly of your own name.

Jaimie (Me) is Jemima Biscuit
Jon is Jean Queen
David is Davina Cuntspit
Cameron is Camilla Park-Your-Hole
Stewart is Tina Wankstains
Scott is Lynette
His lover Sean was named Queerlock Holmes in work but we just call him The Wean pronounce Wayne for non Glaswegians!

The Surname is something that we added just for a bit of vulgarity. Anyway this guy cracked me up when reading through his blog yesterday. He spoke of friends who died from drugs or AIDS and it tugged at my smallish heart strings. Thankfully no-one I know has succumbed to AIDS but it terrifies me that people can be so passe about it especially when literraly millions of people are living with HIV or AIDS.

A few years ago I had my first trip to the clap clinic as I had a lump that I didn't think I should have so got ti checked out and they did all sorts of tests for various STDs. I sat in a room with a middle aged woman who wore a knitted Pringle jumper and she asked me very very personal questions.

When did you last have sex? Yesterday
Was it a regular partner? No
Do you have a regular partner? No
Do you have anal sex? Yes
Do you use condoms? Yes
Do you have oral sex? YES!!
Do you use condoms? No

There was a pause as she looked over her glasses to see me with a confused expression on my face before she continued

How many partners have you had? This year? I asked (it was only March)
No in general? 25 - I lied.
Well then I think you should have a chat with our on site sexual health officer.......

She walked out and left me in my almost shame as she summoned the sexual health officer who suggested hepatits jabs etc and then the tests began.

She asked me to lie on my side and bring my knees up to my chest before inserting a swab up my ass. It wasn't too bad but I did blush a bit when the nurse said "Mmmm, there's not much 'give' there"
I think out of spite or enjoyment she quickly took a swab from the tip of my cock and one from my mouth since I had obviously been having oral sex without condoms which apparently was frowned upon!

It all turned out all right after the blood tests came back and the swabs. It turned out that they thought someone had just been a bit adventurous when tossing me off and caused a skin abrasion therefore creating the lump which died down 2 days after I went!

I vowed when starting this blog not to get too political or issuey but I was inspired to show my own take of events at the local clap clinic!