ALPHABET STREET ME

I'm 26 tomorrow. It's nothing to shout about or raise a glass to - I'm mightily pissed off. There's nothing fabulous about being nearer thirty than twenty despite what Carrie Bradshaw says. Bette Davis in her most famous role as Margo Channing was a stage actress growing old disgracefully and I'd kill to go that way. She was 40 and none too happy about it. I'm just 14 years early! So in almost celebration of my 26th birthday, I'm sitting here watching All About Eve, downloading the latest episode of Desperate Housewives and wearing an outfit similar to dear Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane with my daggy pyjama trousers, a plain top and my slippers, dragging them around in a very tired Baby Jane manner. I sound so pathetic - but it's not all bad! I saw a guy last night who I've seen out for ages. He dresses well, looks like he takes care of himself, nice tan, goodlooking although anytime I ever see him he's always by himself. I'm of the adage that if they're by themselves too much or with the lesbians a lot there has to be something wrong with them for the gay boys not to at least interact. Well, I've never seen this guy with anyone and I would go and talk to him although he may be a total Norma Bates. Is this normal? Call me shallow but I struggle to walk into pubs myself unless I know that one of my mates is waiting for me. Maybe that should be a 26th year resolution -to be more comfortable in my own skin. It's sooooo not going to happen! Stewart said that when he first came out he went out to Polo Lounge himself and stood at the end of the bar, got tanked and found the courage to talk to guys which is admirable and he's got more guts than I could ever hope to have.

We mentioned in NYC that the men were all, let's say 'forward' when it came to pulling. Now, I'm no slouch, especially on holiday when no-one knows who you are and you can be as big a whore as you want to be. Stewart has this gift all the time. He must really not give a fuck and if he likes someone he goes for it without thinking or worrying. I should maybe take some tips from him in trying to snag the guy who goes out by himself a lot.

Well I'm feeling better about being well into my mid twenties after writing a bit. So here to now CELEBRATE my 26 years, here's an A-Z of me or something like that - indulge me, I'm almost 26!!

A - All About Eve : My favourite movie ever, I can relate to this movie so much, Bette Davis is the ageing, bitchy actress, Eve (Anne Baxter) is the young upstart determined to usurp Margo Channing's (Bette Davis) position as first lady of the theatre. Terribly camp, dramatic and utterly fabulous. Bette has some of the best lines in cinematic history "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night". Bette's magnificent and sidenote, Bette got on very well with Anne Baxter and was a good friend with her supposed enemy until Anne's death. Anne took over from Bette in the TV show Hotel after Bette fell ill at Anne's home.

B - Blondie : I went to see them in 1999 with my old friend who was a hooker. We went to Cafe Latte for dinner, got shitfaced on the house wine (tacky, I know) and had a fab time dancing to Debbie Harry who was off her tights it was hilarious. That night we went out afterwards, I was still a Bud drinker and the next morning I was sick as a dog and remember that whole strands of spaghetti from my dinner the night before came out, I thought I had ringworm!

C - Cock : I love it! I've had my fair share and can't get enough of it. Like Samantha Jones, I like the feel of it, the way it looks, the way you can tease it. I love everything about it. My problem is that there's always a man attached to it that sometimes wants to talk. I've yet to master my liking for the other parts of men!

D - Disco Dancing : I'm a disco diva - literally. From the age of 15 to 20 I competed over the UK and Europe at freestyle disco dancing. I wasn't too shabby either winning the Scottish Championships, Runner up at the British and North European Championships and 3rd at the Europeans. The BBC did a documentary on me, profiled and interviewed me. I still get the occasional recognition from it. 6 years down the line.

E - E : Part of my past, did my fair share of it when I went through a wild phase and loved it. My mum found out and naturally went ballistic, it doesn't interest me now but if I hadn't done it, it wouldn't have made me the person I am today for which i'm thankful. If i'd kept on doing it, I daresay I'd be in a gutter or dead. Or dead in a gutter.

F - Footballers Wives : A trashy TV show that I've been addicted to since it started 4 years ago. Tanya Turner is the main character, she wears mountains of fake tan, has large nails and drinks Gin and Tonic like it's going out of fashion (was it ever in fashion?!) Hermaphrodite babies, group sex, Abba parties, Fairytale style weddings, kinky nurses who sexually abuse men in comas, screwing people to death and babies dying by being smothered by a dog are all fair game in this ridiculous show.

G - Gaydar : I think my gaydar's not too bad although with all these metrosexual men out there, it's getting harder. You have to look at the way they use their hands, how they carry things and if they flick their hair in a dramatic fashion or if their eyebrows are even slightly plucked. It also helps if they like Kylie Minogue in a non-sexual way. However on Saturday afternoon I was totally snookered. The male staff in The Social are completely metrosexual. They look like they'd take a finger but only when drunk!

H - Hotels : I like going about, be it Manchester, London, New York, Las Vegas, I think it's important to be clean. I normally phone my folks to say that I've arrived safely and within the first two sentences, we've established that it was a quick journey and that the place is clean. I HAVE to inspect the toilet on arrival - Joan Crawford eat your heart out!

I - Imitation Of Life : My god, if you ever want a cry watch this movie. Lana Turner plays Lora Meredith and Juanita Moore is her black maid and best friend Annie. They both have daughters. Annie's tries to pass herself off as white and Lora's career as an actress takes off and distances her from her own daughter, played by Sandra Dee. The last half hour tug at the heartstrings and includes a gospel choir led by Mahalia Jackson and some pall bearers. It's brutal and I always feel emotionally drained after watching it - but damn, it's good.

J - Jam : I love a piece and jam. When I stayed at home and drove out on nights out a lot I would head home early make a piece and jam, have a caramel wafer and a can of Irn Bru and watch Sex and the City. Sad, but my god it was tasty.

K - Kenneth : My brother. We are the exact opposite in every sense. We don't have that many interests in common other than our sense of humour. He's a total neat freak whereas I'm a clean freak. He can be moody and sometimes I feel I overshadow him. In high school he was sometimes known as Jaimie Horne's big brother. I don't know who was more insulted! Since then, he's become his own person and is living a charmed life back at home with my mum and dad with no mortgage or bills.

L - Lowculture : A favourite website I visit regularly. I was listed on their links but for some reason I can't be lowculturish enough for them. For fuck's sake, I have Tanya Turner, Kylie and Alexis Carrington appearing on my blog reguarly, how low do they want me to go?!!!

M - Men : Specifically the gay ones. I can't figure the fuckers out. When a friend is in a relationship or looking for advice I am shit hot. I can totally read situations and understand how they tick. When it comes to guys I like, I have no clue. Do other guys feel like this? Answers on a postcard or at least a comment please!! I sometimes think that all I want is "the one" and my life will be perfect and other times I can't imagine ever being in a relaxed, trusting and worthwhile relationship. The fact that I've not had a real boyfriend for over 6 years makes me think that either I'm not very agreeable or that he's still out there somewhere. I prefer to think he's out there somewhere although after living by myself I love my independence and my friend's company that means so much. Men, still don't get them!

N - Nancy Drew : In Sunday School I was given a Nancy Drew book "The Mystery of Crocodile Island" It was fab. Nancy was an amateur detective who stayed in Pacific Heights and her dad Carson was a lawyer. Her friends, Fat Bess who ate all the pies and Bess' cousin, the obvious lesbian George, short for Georgina helped her solve cases in between her steamy romance with sometimes seen Ned Nickerson. The memories come flooding back to me at age 9 - 12 heading of to the local library and trying to get through every Nancy Drew book. Then they brought out the Nancy Drew Files. These were cool and update Nancy to the late 80s - 90s. And she dealt with crimes at country clubs and on TV shows. I loved them the most. Nancy will always have a special place in my heart where the Hardy Boys could never reach.

O - Oliver! : I played Oliver in my first year at High School. I soooo wanted that part and remember going into school at like 8 am for a week to see the cast list being put up after the auditions. Lorraine Stuart also wanted the part and she was far and away the better singer. I had the trump card though, I had a penis and she had salmon castanets so on the Friday before Easter I was announced as Oliver Twist in Renfrew High School's production of Oliver! Lorraine was in the chorus. I saw some pictures of this recently and I was covered in Arabian Glow on my face with the palest arms you've ever seen!!

P - Pants : In New York, I went a bit mad at Century 21 and spent a few hundred dollars on underwear. Lat night I put on a pair of 2xist briefs that I'm sure were women's knickers, they were cut so low with just a thin band. Any smaller and they would have been tanga briefs. The offer barely any support and I'm not kidding when I say that I don't think there's enough material.

Q - Queer : A fab bar in Manchester where Cameron and I went drinking at last year's Pride on the Sunday afternoon and looked at all the cute gogo boys dancing. it was a great way to get rid of a hangover. The music's always fab and the men simply gorgeous.

R - Rough : Maybe it's cos I've experienced my fair share of different sexual kinks, I am drawn to a more rough guy. Nothing is better than being rimmed by a guy that hasn't shaved and has just more than a 5 o'clock shadow but not a beard. I'd quite like regular sex with a guy who looks a bit rough and ready rather than a twink. I like my men to be men and if they're going to make my chocolate starfish wink at me then all the better!

S - Sleep : I love to sleep. If I don't get enough I get cranky like most people. A good eight hours a day will suffice, what pisses me off is when at the weekend I try and lie in but my body clock gets me up at quarter to eight on a Saturday and only on a Sunday do I properly lie in. Then it's a Monday and back to normal. In my old job I only worked Monday to Thursday and so made full use of a fabulous luxurious sleeping pattern.

T - Trisha : Trisha Goddard hosts the skankiest chat show this side of Knots Landing. Her guests are total chavs who have screwed around. The female guests go on with jeans, cheap trainers and have a council facelift. A council facelift is when their hair is pulled back so tight in a scrunchie it looks like a Park Avenue surgeon has worked their magic. Everyone has a little dirty laundry as the Desperate Housewives say although Trisha's guests have skid marks on their's too!

U - Umbrellas : Required a lot on my recent holiday to America. It totally lashed down for a full day in NYC and San Fran. The best 6 dollars I ever spent, other than the 12 dollars it cost to get a manicure from a woman in the Castro who hadn't quite figured out that there were more gay men interested in getting their nails done than women.

V - V : Love Jane Badler as Diana in the mini series V. This was a great show with the lizards face falling off regularly. Jane Badler ruled the roost and plots of red dust killing them off. At the end of the mini series Diana escaped inly to be shot down in the actual series and sporting a natty perm and shoulder pads. But still just as evil!

W - Wanking : I do a lot of this. I like my gay porn and love the thought of guys wanking. Bought a video once called 101 Men and all it was was guys jacking off. The ultimate turn on. I think it comes from the school trip where Barry got caught having a wank in the toilet and the conversations that we had about it. Such a teenage turnon.

X - X Ray : I had a rash and went to hospital. They took me in for an X ray and then had a jag, first thing in the morning I had no breakfast and after getting a jag the next thing I remember coming to with my legs in the air and the nurse smiling at me as I was on the ground having passed out!

Y - Young : I'm not getting any younger but I kinda realised that without all my experiences so far I'd still be a daft teenager who thinks they know everything about life. Experience speaks volumes and I've got a lifetime still to experience, that's the biggest thrill and challenge of life. I believe that we're all on a journey of some sort and the decisions we make are like forks in the road. It may sound strange but it works for me.

Z - Zoo : To recapture an old friendship I went to Edinburgh Zoo with a girl who had just left school, Carolina. She was a few years older than me but we got on great. She had a fab voice at singing and was in choirs and stuff. I never made the choir or was that interested. We saw the penguins march and the lions enclosure and shared our love for tennis. Took a tonne of pictures and then after that day almost 10 years ago, I haven't seen her and we haven't been in contact. Sometimes I look back to the friends I had in school. The only thing we really had in common was school but it'd be interesting to see where everyone's ended up. It could be like Romy and Michele's High School Reunion although minus the post-its. I'd have my chacha heels at the ready though!!

And that was my rather laborious A to Z, 26 letters for 26 years or some shit like that!