THE GAYS OF MY WEEKEND

Had an odd weekend to be honest. Wasn't feeling good at all on Thursday night so wasn't good for work on Friday. I was supposed to be going to Blackpool on Saturday so was doing my last shift in the Polo on Friday night instead. I felt like hell so knew that I'd have to give Blackpool a miss but didn't want to ditch the Polo on my last night - that would've just been dirty pool. Somehow I varnished myself up and thanks to all the pills I had been popping I was half in the bag by the time I got to work to pull my last pints. The staff were great fun and I was in a really good mood and finished early. Went dancing for a bit with Scott, Stewart and David who came out for a bit of a shake of the shammy aswell. I'll miss working with the guys as a few of them were great fun and I'm definitely not ruling out a special guest return appearance but I'm giving it a wee while to see how I feel. Maybe having my Saturday nights back won't be all it's cracked up to be as although it can be a pain being stonecold sober when everyone else is having a rare tear to themselves. Jon was easy enough to persuade for a wee night out on Saturday and we had a good but quiet night out, couple of drinks, chatting to some randoms and a bit of a dance and then again last night for Stewart's kinda boyfriend who is leaving to live in Brighton. The thing with a Sunday night out in Glasgow is that it's dirt cheap £1 a drink night. That's where things start to go tits up. It's never going to be pretty and the style of clientele leaves a lot to be desired. We were firmly ensconced in our corner when a group of rather sweaty young things started dancing around rather crazily and smelling of BO, they kept on screeching and for the life of me I couldn't make out if one of the girl's tops was supposed to be cream or if it was just unwashed. Her friend had had a slight "issue" with the hairdresser and he looked like Myra Hindley's mug shot without the blondness but you get the style reference. Thankfully they moved along pretty quickly but because I wasn't that drunk I noticed that everywhere around us were young chavvy schemey guys and girls with a penchant for Top Shop or Argos jewellery and too much liquor. Now I admit to being a bit of a social snob, especially when on the gay scene. Everyone has their own clique and thinks they're fabulous in their own way and a lot of the time, never the twain shall meet. Many of these groups can be put in the following categories...

THE MUSCLE BOYS - A species not often seen in Glasgow although highly visible in many other cities. They are ripped to fuck, sometimes smile and always wear light blue jeans (that's a requirement)Prone to taking steroids and drugs and only screwing around with other Muscle Marys.

THE GRANDPAS - They go to the pub early doors. Normally waiting for it to open. They're afternoon drinkers mainly and always keep their jackets on in when in a pub. Staunch regulars and always have a red nose and a glint in their eye and not forgetting a trusty bottle of poppers in their back pockets

THE SUITS - Only ever come out for one or two after work on the way home. This way home is normally never in the direction of their home. Almost always drink pints - never spirits. Can sometimes stay out late and are wrecked by 10pm. Look good and take care of themselves.

THE STUDENTS - Out on weeknights and weekends although only with £10 in their pockets and have baggy jeans and a quirky item of clothing. Pencil thin bodies and very pale. Plenty of hair products and always with other students - anyone over age of 21 need not apply, they never mix as are always in the University lacrosse club.

THE YOUNG WORKERS - A younger generation of suits. SIT (Suits in training) They're stylised and have bluetooth mobile phones. Go to the gym after work and then the pub. Drink a lot but stay away from the gay scene at the weekend

THE FASHIONISTA - A newer species. They're so hip it hurts. Assymetrical hairdos and drainpipe trousers. Not so much heroin chic as heroin. Look very unhappy but probably have the time of their life. Musical snobs and tend to speak very politely.

THE TRENDY OLDER QUEENS - Been around the block and tend to be in packs of 4 or more. They drink well and laugh amongst their friends until 2am when they go in for the kill with their target of the night. Pace themselves with the booze which is why they wear Gucci. Because they can.

THE ODDBALLS - They wear glasses and horizontally striped jumpers with cords. These people like obscure musical artists and people wonder that the only reason they're gay is because no women would dream of sleeping with them. Also will be seen by themselves and not talk to anyone all night but be so blitzed by 2 am they can't stand up. May also be seen wearing a leather jacket

THE UNDERAGERS - Dripping in Diesel clothes and up to date with the latest goings on in American Idol. Tend to cry a lot and make a lot of noise before disappearing for a few months and coming back out pretending to be a stronger person.

THE REGULARS - Come hell or highwater, they're last man standing every Friday and Saturday night. On first name terms with bouncers, bar boys and benders alike. Also known to shag the bar staff to give them more status.

THE QUEENS - Camp as tits. Know every word to every pop song played along with the dance moves. Wear tshirts that are too tight and really bad trousers. Tend to have at least 3 colours of hair and live in a high rise with a window box and a fag hag

THE RENT - Similar to queens except they get paid for shagging any of the above groups.

THE BAD DRAG - Lipstick too thick and wig askew. Nasty as fuck drag. They always pull and buy their clothes from New Look or Dorothy Perkins knock offs.

UBERGAYS/A GAYS/BAR BOYS - Snotty bitches who know too much about everything and everyone. Survey rooms and create their own space. Can be noticed and talked about but don't care. Intimidating to see in action but crazy to know. Everything revolves around them.

I think I fit into the latter category. It's been said to me before that Cam, Jon, Stewart, David and myself when out can be pretty ferocious looking. I quite like being aloof to a certain extent and am certainly more like Lucia from the Mapp and Lucia novels by EF Benson. A social climber who schemes in a heartwarming way to better her standing. She ends up in the oddest situations which can happen to me. The only downfall is when you are that distant it can look as offputting. Perhaps that's part of the reason why I took the bar job at Polo. To put myself out there and change people's perceptions of me slightly. However I met a guy online last week who said he was very intimidated talking to me. I asked why and he said it was because I was a bar boy.

Anyway to treat myself I dared to venture to the sauna today - so soon after my shit incident but I took the opinion that it was like falling off a horse, I had to get back in soon or I'd never go back. So I went and thankfully nobody shat on me although a few people came on me which is always a real term of endearment. Another term of endearment is that I was called Miss Hurley last night(as in Liz) it was one of the biggest compliments I've had in a long time! She always looks good in a killer dress and fabulous accent. After fornicating with strnagers for a few hours I was shagged out so went to the jewellers and bought a fabulous new ring. It's Gucci with a black onyx stone. It wasn't in my size so the girl said she'd have to contact Italy and get it ordered etc - all sounds terribly glamorous but it probably means she'll call the wholesale supplier in a retail park in Milton Keynes and it'll come up in a few weeks! Some things are never what they seem!