CRUELTY THY NAME IS SHOWBUSINESS

Had a relatively relaxing weekend. I'm enjoying having weekends to myself and not thinking about working in the pub. Spent Friday night at Julia's and watched the final of Big Brother. I was rooting for Aisleyne to win. I'm convinced that she never becuase people couldn't spell her name in the text vote. I spent most of the night drinking wine and randmly shouting at the TV screen "Carve me up with a jammie dodger" in a faux Jamaican accent like a cross between Aisleyne and Darlene Cake from Bad Girls. The accent's almost the same although I sounded horrific! So Aisleyne didn't win but she looked a lot better than Nutty Nikki who resembled a back alley abortion nurse who'd been pumped by Tina Turner's hairdresser. She looked horrific and the situation seemed to be overwhelming although I did think it was a bit of an act when she managed to somehow muster "Where are my best bits?" Then ten minutes later and possibly with a certain "sumpin sumpin" as Darlene would say, she appeared again with a smile on her face and hair freshly coiffed. Tourette's sufferer Pete won the show which was almost a foregone conclusion. Britain loves the underdog and none more so than a spaced out "artist" from Brighton with a penchant for coughing, cat noises and various chemicals. He was actually quite good fun and he has a massive penis so he got part of my vote - well the rear of it anyway!

On Saturday I was in town and was heading home but totally needed a pee so nipped into the sauna for a few hours and had a fair few dalliances. I completed my task of impersonating my own version of a United Colors of Benneton advert by having a bit of carnal with a Pakistani queer boy. He was hot hot hot with a six pack and semi mohican. It really was to tick the last box in the Benneton ad and I was glad I did it. Some asian guys are really hot. I completely offended some guys on Saturday when I mentioned it. They thought I should just say that I got laid, end of story. However I felt that it warranted a special note in a similar vein to the guy who shat on me or the guy who licked my armpits a lot or the guy who I did the deed with whilst his girlfriend was across the road in the pub. I make absolutely no apologies for my actions or my words. It would make life very boring if we were all politically correct or even just correct. Sometimes I am neither politically correct or correct or even political but I say what I want and as Cameron said to me on Saturday night "You are offensive - that's you" I feel like John Waters or Divine eating shit - that's offensive.

And for all showtune queens out there, David and I are obessing over "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" For those outside the UK, it's a reality show with Andrew Lloyd Webber casting the part of Maria Von Trapp in the new revival of The Sound of Music and each week, potential Maria's are whittled down. They're all very show tuney but sing pop songs. Thankfully on Saturday we had our first showtune from Sweet Charity from one of the girls and it was fab. At the end, with the 2 Maria's with the lowest vote, they sing off in a Lloyd Webber show classic and then Andrew picks his favourite. It's all kitsch and camp. So much so that after a Maria is knocked out at the end of each show, the others sing "So Long, Farewell" Cruelty thy name is showbusiness - it's wicked and fabulous and I'm hooked!

This week I finish in work for a wee while. I can't wait - I feel like I'm turning into Amanda Woodward at D&D Advertising in Melrose Place except without the micro skirts or sex in the boardroom. It's hard work playing the game as such and constantly being on the ball so that someone doesn't take over the spotlight so that I can get ahead - it's like a constant reality show or a continuous interview for the next great job position. So I've got a break to recharge my batteries and plan out my next career move - all terribly Machiavellian and sooo Melrose. Anyway I'm off to Manchester for Pride. Now I know I always say every year that I'm not going back as it's so crowded and queues everywhere. So if I embrace that and just enjoy myself then that's half the battle and I need to cut loose a bit and go wild so it's a good excuse to kick up my heels and wrap my lips round a bottle or something else!!