FILTHIEST ANNIVERSARY ALIVE

Spent last night sitting in watching trashy TV and movies with Stewart and David - I had been very drunk on Friday and suggested a night of campery. David and Stewart came over and we pigged out on takeaway whilst watching "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" which is quite possibly the campiest reality tv show ever invented. Andrew Lloyd Webber pulls the strangest of faces when critiquing his possible stars. He also has a rather odd kinky/perverse relationship with host Graham Norton who keeps on calling him "The Phantom". On top of that, there is John Barrowman who stars in Dr Who and also in various musical theatre shows like Anything Goes. He's a massive mo but butches it up every week by yelling that the girls are "HOT HOT HOT" and they always give a "leading lady performance baby". Whereas really, he could care less about the girls and wonders more about the male backing dancers! And my mate Rod was dancing around as one of them so it's another excuse to keep on watching and be hooked.

Maria finished and I put on good old Hairspray with Divine and Ricki Lake. David was shocked at how political the movie actually was although I just laughed at the absurdity of it all. Divine had a bit of a 5 o'clock shadow for the majority of the film and although it was his last movie - it was hilarious to see him strut about in high heels. Then Stewart wanted to see just how crazy Divine actually was. I'm a big fan of Female Trouble but the cliche of Pink Flamingos was too good to miss.

I bought a tonne of John Waters movies a few years ago as they really do epitomise trash trash trash. Pink Flamingos is kind of a lesson in bad taste but I kinda get it all and see the craziness in John Water's mind. Basically Divine stays in a trailer in the woods in dodgiest of dodgiest Baltimore and calls herself Babs Johnson. She shares the trailer with Cotton, Crackers and Mama Edie. Edie's in a play pen all the movie or a wheel barrow as eats shitloads of eggs delivered from the Egg Man. So Divine/Babs has the self proclaimed title of "The Filthiest Person Alive" She has a few pretenders to the throne who are Connie and Raymond Marble. They think they're filthier.

The plot's just like that and is more about set pieces than a clear story arc although it's easy enought to follow. Connie and Raymond, kidnap women and get their butler to jerk off and artificially inseminate these drugged up women and then sell the babies to lesbain couples etc. They have foot fetishes and dye their hair crazy colours and Raymond goes out in parks and flashes his dick which is normally attached to a piece of knockwurst or some other meat. So Divine doesn't like this especially as the Marble's send Babs/Divine a shit in a box and then they burn her trailer down. What was hilarious was the card they also sent to Divine and called her "Fatso" This isn't before Divine has a party with all sorts of Baltimore crazies turning up - the guy with the singing ass hole, sniffing a popper, kissing a dead pig's head and all sorts of depravity. So then Divine/Babs head to the Marble's, sucks off her son and then they lick all the furniture which causes the Marble's to be ejected by their own couches. They then get captured and are convicted of assholeism. Which is as good a crime as any. Babs tars and feathers them and shoots them in front of the Baltimore underground media. Babs, Crackers and Cotton then reclaim their title of "The Filthiest People Alive" by moving to Boise and in a one shot she eats the shit that a dog has just produced.

David and Stewart were both gobsmacked and laughed along at this movie which is kind of tiring as everyone seems to be shouting a lot - Divine must've had a permanent sore throat but all together a good way to spend a Saturday night. It would've been complete but Stewart hadn't seen the craziest Bette Davis movie in a long time. The Anniversary was made in the late 60s and has Bette camping it up as the one eyed evil Mrs Taggart. She snarls her way through an hour and a half of destroying her family with one liners and crazier storylines. Mrs Taggart is probably the nastiest woman ever created on film but definitely one of the best.

Today I also treated the girls to the Who Shot JR episode of Dallas. We were amazed at Linda Gray's lips that constantly acted more than she did and so did her hair. It was the first time in a long time that David and Stewart actually were hooked and just watched a show without chatting. It goes to show that even after almost 30 years, it still packs a punch. And ps - Stewart didn't know who shot JR. I hope he does now......

Then I headed to the gym for a workout - I'm on a new fad for getting fit and enjoyed my workout - it's always good to go cock watching and I'm praying for some hot looking guys parading about!! And getting fitter might be ok too.