CAPITAL TIMES

Last night I ventured into the almost unknown again for only the third time this year. I went for a night out in Edinburgh. Now hold on to your piss flaps as it doesn't happen too often. I always think that by spending even one weekend in Scotland that isn't at the Polo Lounge, then the place could quite possibly disintegrate into fine dust or I'll actually miss something interesting happening. Which never does. So recently I've emerged like a moth from a caterpillar cocoon and have done all sorts of crazy wild stuff that doesn't involve spending every weekend night in the Polo - however I do still love shaking my shammy there!

Stewart has a friend called Laura who moved to the capital during the summer and invited the queens over for a night out on the tiles or cobbles as they have there. We stayed about ten minutes from the city centre and all had a fab dinner and copious amounts of wine before heading for a perishingly cold night out. Now I went on a few weeknights to Edinburgh this year and came back with mixed feelings. Thankfully this weekend, those feelings were quashed. It was fabulous although I still insist that Edinburgh seems almost like the land that time forgot. What is so confusing is the sense of direction. Other than the Castle which is a huge landmark, there's only one or two streets that I can get my bearings with and one is Princes Street which is the one straight road in the city it would seem. There are more twists, turns, alleyways and side streets than a stint in the Crystal Maze with Richard O'Brien. Although only an hour to the east of Glasgow, the accent is crazy and has a certain twang almost like someone from Edinburgh. And... like a drunken whore on Booze Britain, at the end of the night, we always always end up at the local chip shop. Now in Glasgow you're asked if you want salt and vinegar on your chips but in Edinburgh, they put copious amounts of HP or diluted brown sauce on their chips. If I had been sober I would have questioned more.

Now this may seem like I'm slating the city which I'm not (although to hell with driving over cobbles every day - it's enough to induce a bowel movement) The bars and clubs we went to were just fabulous. Some of the musci was great and people seemed really friendly. Going out during the week when it's student central is completely different to a Saturday night out. More effort is made, the students aren't as sloshed as the drink is more expensive and the hotter boys come out. All of the bars had some real honeys and we all commented on a marked improvement in the talent. One bar "The Street" was just fabulous and seemed almost out of place with full length windows and trendy decor. I see it in Glasgow a fair bit and definitely in Manchester however in Edinburgh it's a bit different so naturally the place was packed to the rafters with beautiful gay boys and gals. In another bar, there were butch dykes and I thought we had turned up at a kd lang concert but apparently there are a high number of mannish looking women in Edinburgh. Laura was particularly shocked to read on a toilet door, two statements that kind of sum the crazy atmosphere that Edinburgh projects.

"Jessica Fletcher is soooo sexy" and.....

"Debbie Harry's lady garden tastes like a Solero ice lolly"

Now if that's not an advert by the lesbians of Edinburgh to promote their welcome cheer then I don't know what is!