SINGING NUN

It literally was written in the stars that I was gay - The day I was born, Gloria Gaynor was at No 1 with "I Will Survive" Nuff said. I've also decided that at my funeral, Donna Summer's Last Dance will play but I also want Gloria's extended mix of "Never Can Say Goodbye" belting out. That track picks me up almost as much as Last Dance or an episode of Dynasty

Was a bit tipsy again last night, No I don't have a drink problem - until it runs out, that's when the problems start. I was talking to someone recently who said they couldn't start the day without Baileys in their morning coffee, how very Karen Walker of them! But alas I'm not quite at that stage. Was face raped again last night by a random guy in the club, what is it with men that can't kiss - I'm no Don Juan De Marco but surely there's more to kissing than pretending to be a demented goldfish?! Or maybe it's me and I'm making them kiss badly - Whatever, it's not been the best of times for smooching recently and I have the stubble rash to prove it!

I'm a huge fan of lists, quotes and trivia of all things trashy and campy and downright fucking fabulous so just thought I'd list some of my favourite Dynasty quotes from Alexis (she brings out my inner diva) :-

Alexis to Dominique in Colbyco
ALEXIS - Dominique? Wasn't there a singing nun by that name?!

Fallon meets Alexis for the first time in years after she testifies against Blake
FALLON - You're even more beautiful and more ugly than that grand English lady I vaguely remember and whom I've tried very hard to forget existed these past 16 years.
ALEXIS - I'm glad to see that your father had your teeth fixed - if not your tongue

Krystle doesn't believe Alexis' story
KRYSTLE - I think this is another of your incredible performances
ALEXIS - Why, thank you. I attended the Royal Academy for a year - I'm glad it's paid off

Alexis argues with Krystle/Rita
ALEXIS - From stenographer to kept woman
KRYSTLE/RITA - I happen to be the lady of this house
ALEXIS - Oh yes! You belong in a house alright - but not with ladies

Alexis arrives at the mansion
KRYSTLE - Well what are you doing here?
ALEXIS - I've been asking you that question for years and I still haven't found a satisfactory answer - I am visting Amanda
KRYSTLE - Without even the courtesy of a call first. You think you have free access to this house and everyone in it. don't you?
ALEXIS - Nothing's for free in this life, you of all people should know that. After all, you've charged enough!

Alexis asks Krystle how Rita was in bed with Blake
ALEXIS - If she was as boring as you are then he wouldn't have noticed the difference anyway.

God I wish I was Alexis! I insist anyone reading this has to insert some of these one-liners into conversation immediately and make sure your shoulder pads are straightened before saying them!